Connecting to myself

I have undergone a massive shift within the last couple of weeks. It’s as though a light bulb has gone on in regards to finally understanding what connection to self truly means.  Don’t get me wrong…I have made a lot of progress over the years on my healing journey…it’s just that there has been a lot of uncertainty for me surrounding the meaning of inner connection, and what to do in practical terms to be a healthy parent to my inner child.

I prayed to God…the universe…source…to help me approximately 6 weeks ago.  I surrendered.  I asked for help, stating I just didn’t know what to do anymore.  The universe answered only a few hours later through someone who had come across my blog.  This angel…this messenger sent me some resources that helped me become more clear.  In the following weeks, I rediscovered more resources I had at hand, as well as intuitions…senses of knowing…that shifted me from a place of confusion to a place of peace and knowing.

I am finally understanding that if I would not subject a child in my care to a situation…an experience…an abusive person…then I need to take the appropriate actions for myself in those situations as though I was taking care of and protecting that child. I am also starting to develop more compassion for myself by accepting and embracing the parts of myself that are angry…that hate…thank you to Nicole of Twin Flame Revolution for an excellent video on loving yourself as you process and purge the anger and the hate in yourself.  I tried what Nicole shared in her video, and lo and behold, the next morning my inner child came out and asked to play.  She asked me to take her to play pinball and video games.  I promised I would.  I cleaned and decluttered a little, and did a couple of errands with my daughter.  My daughter and I then went and played pinball and video games for a couple of hours.  I had so much fun!

I had realized earlier that day, and expressed it to my daughter, that I needed to play more…I needed to make more time for my inner child to play…that I often would end up doing errands and that responsibilities would dominate my time, at the exclusion of play.

Reconnecting with my inner child by loving her through her anger and hate…allowing her to have a voice…allowing her to express her feelings without shaming her…had given her the safety to come out and play.  It made me feel lighter.  I understood that I had ignored and tried to squash her voice…my intuition…when she had what I deemed were negative feelings…feelings I was taught by my parents, and then by society were not acceptable for little girls and women to have and express…anger and hate.  And why shouldn’t my inner child feel angry and hateful when I was not protecting myself from abuse.  I stuffed it down, and silenced her. Anger is an indication that something is wrong, and that I need to take action to remove myself from harm.  When I avoid doing anything and stuff my emotions down, they turn into hate of others for what they did to me, and more importantly, hatred of myself for not listening to my inner child…my intuition…and allowing myself to be abused…to give my power away to others…to choose to act out of fear and abandon myself, instead of embracing my inner child, and acting from love to protect the precious human being that I am…to honour the gift I have been given by God/the universe/source/higher power/or whatever you believe in.

I also realized that I had always doubted my intuition…squashed the voice of my inner child…because of my parents’ doubting my truth when they discovered I was sexually abused by a friend of theirs…my 4 year old self, who was raped and had blood in her underwear.  I reflected on that.  How crazy is it that my parents were yelling at me, and shaking me, and telling me I better not be lying?   Why would a 4 year old even make that shit up? Why would I trust myself, if my parents…my Gods…didn’t believe me? It finally made sense to me why I didn’t listen to my inner child…my intuition.  My dysfunctional inner adult had been silencing my inner child just like my parents had when I was a child.  How freeing it feels to finally find the root of why I didn’t trust myself and gave my power away to others…placed their needs before my own, making others more important than myself, and then hating them and myself when they betrayed me.  Now that I have gained that awareness, I have started to put more healthy boundaries in place, and I am removing myself from abusive situations and relationships. I am taking my power back, and my inner child is starting to share some of her magic with me ❤

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Trauma, addiction and narcissistic behaviour

There was a time early on in my journey after having met my twin flame, when I believed he was a narcissist. I was like the boy in The Sixth Sense…except instead of seeing “dead people”, I saw narcissists everywhere. As I did more and more inner work, and explored why this was showing up in my space, I began to understand that these people weren’t “narcissists” in the clinical sense. Like me, these people had experienced trauma in their childhoods, and had adopted different addictions to help them escape and avoid the pain of the trauma in order to survive. Most anything can be an addiction if it is used to avoid pain.   There are many common addictions like food, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, sex, relationships, shopping, spending, control, external validation, exercise…to name a few. No addiction will squash the pain for long, which is why addictions often take over a person’s life until they can stop and face the pain head on.  Addictions are often maintained at the expense of relationships.

Now, how is narcissism or narcissistic behaviour linked to trauma and addiction?  Trauma sets the stage for addiction, and then addiction bit by bit becomes the focus of a person’s life, which looks like narcissism, because as addiction progresses, it requires more and more of that substance or activity to keep the pain at bay. A person’s active addiction displays itself in narcissistic behaviours that are aimed at obtaining the addictive hit…whatever that may be, and at whatever cost.

It took me a long time to realize that my twin flame’s narcissistic behaviours and the narcissistic behaviours of others really had nothing to do with me…they weren’t personal.  They were just the symptoms of a traumatized inner child in need of healing.

I received a gift from the angels who presented themselves on my path who were in the throws of addiction.  They forced me to look inward and see how I avoided my own pain by focusing on others’ behaviour. I often placed others’ needs ahead of my own.  This gave me temporary relief from my pain. I sought external validation…seeking love and a sense of self worth from others for what I did for them. I didn’t know that I was lovable and worthy because I exist. I had created my own suffering. It took me a long time to realize that it was my inner child I was trying to rescue…the one who desperately needed a loving adult to care for her back then and now. They helped me realize that I need to be my own best friend…to go within…to listen to and trust myself…to turn and face the pain instead of handing my power over to others…that the love I am looking for is within.

Inner work and the dark night of the soul can seem lonely, when we turn inward and face the pain.  Be kind with yourself, and take all the time you need to go within.  You are the love you are looking for ❤

I would like to recommend Tian Dayton’s book Trauma And Addiction.

Another good book on childhood trauma is: After The Tears.

Dark night of the soul

The energies have been really intense for the past month and a half or so.  I have been struggling.  At times I have wanted to turn the world off completely, so that I could find some peace…some relief from this heaviness and this unrelenting angst. And then suddenly, as I was sitting here, about to start writing this post, it dawned on me that I am in another Dark Night of the Soul.

I am shifting and ascending, and with that comes more layers of wounding that have been brought into awareness, so that they can be placed into healing.  This past week has been excruciating and difficult. I have felt really alone as triggers arose.  As I am typing this, the thought comes to mind that, “Yes Cheryl, you are being birthed into a new you…a higher vibration…more in alignment with your true self…and the birthing process is painful.”

Triggers have kept coming up to show me that my childhood wounding from sexual abuse and narcissistic parenting led me to give my power away as a means of survival in childhood.  I continued to give my power away to others, because I did not have a good sense of self worth.  I gave my power over to others, because I did not trust my intuition. I did not trust or value myself after having been controlled, manipulated, and having had my truth dismissed and denied. My voice had been silenced by those whom I depended on for survival. I grew up to be an adult who was  gullible because of my self doubt. I backed down and accepted others’ opinions.  I tolerated a lot of abuse.  I gave until it hurt.  I found myself in a lot of narcissistic/codependent relationships.  I took on too much responsibility in relationships and at work. I often felt powerless.  I had taken on my mother’s template of learned helplessness.

It wasn’t until 2000, when I had a major Dark Night of the Soul, that I started to slowly develop and implement healthy boundaries.  Since then, I have had several smaller Dark Nights of the Soul as I have gone deeper and deeper into my healing, as I uncover my true self…as I reconnect with who I truly am, and shed the layers of false self I adopted to survive my childhood.

It has been very painful, and at the same time very liberating to become aware that I have been giving my power away.  It has been challenging to let go of fear and to reclaim my power.

I blew up at my twin flame last week, and sent a tirade of text messages.  I still get caught by my ego and my pain body…especially when I am menstruating. I so want to blame him when I get triggered.  The truth is that it is me who had been trying to settle, to turn a blind eye, to hope he would change.  I realize that this is the unhealed part of me.  I need to reclaim my power, and be unwavering in my love of myself.  I need to know that I am worth what I desire.   I need to stay true to myself and trust myself instead of compromising myself and letting others convince me I don’t know what is best for me. I have to stop projecting my self abandonment onto others, and go inside and embrace myself.  I need to stand tall and trust myself, even if that means I am standing alone in my integrity and in my truth.

And as I am writing this, the following message just came into my awareness: Love is never outside of you, and you will never find it there.  You are love.  You don’t need to find what isn’t lost, because you always have yourself.  You are a spark of God, as is everyone.  We are all One.  We are Love!

Happy Mother’s Day to everyone as we are all mothers to ourselves ❤

Healing my connection to self by reclaiming my power

The current energies have been intense to say the least!  They are bringing to the surface the things we still need to heal in order to continue to build a deeper connection to ourselves…to become more authentic and to live an increasingly heart-centered life.

I have been observing the mirroring and triggers that have been presenting themselves over the past few months, and realized that they were reflecting unresolved wounding with my mother. Going deeper inside myself to explore this wounding, guided me to issues of self worth and ways in which I had been starting to reclaim my power and ways in which I had still been giving it away.  It took time to arrive at this “aha”.  Although outer circumstances can appear to be the cause of your issues, in reality, they never are.   Outer circumstances are a projection of wounded parts of yourself that still require healing.  If we are willing to step back and realize that what is going on is indeed a projection and that we are not victims, we are able to seize the gift in these intense times, which is to bring our wounds into our awareness.

I grew up with a mother who carried the template of victim.  I learned very early on that in order to get my basic physical needs met and to avoid emotional and physical abuse, it was best to give up my needs and appease her or try to fix her problems.  I essentially gave my power away to her in exchange for my survival.  This is something I carried with me into adulthood.  I would often put others ahead of myself, and for the better part of my adult years, this has persisted.  I have often given up my power to others because I deemed their worth to be greater than my own.

My twin flame journey has mirrored and illuminated this wound for me in a way that I was unable to avoid it.  It has been frustrating and has often eluded me, as I would spin and spin, and my ego would blame him…if only he would stop doing what he is doing, my ego would whisper in my ear.   That led me to believing he was a narcissist and I was a codependent.  I don’t believe that now.  I realize that my wounded self worth was at the root of this projection, and that the issue was that I gave my power away to my twin and others.  I didn’t have enough healthy boundaries, because I grew up in an environment where not only were healthy boundaries not modeled, they were not respected…and if I had any hope of getting even some crumbs of love, I had to succumb to my mother’s manipulation and give up my boundaries and power, and place her and her needs above my own.

I have made great strides in healing my self worth  by setting healthy boundaries, so that I can take care of myself instead of waiting for others to come rescue me, and instead of growing resentful of others. It certainly is a challenge reclaiming our own power.  It is so worth it though, because reclaiming your own power and ceasing to give it away, allows you to be authentic…to stand in your truth, and to live a more heart-centered life.

Keep in mind that it is a process.  Becoming aware of when and to whom we give away our power is the first step to self empowerment ❤

Healing shifts

I have been noticing some shifts in my twin flame in the last little while.  I was starting to see that he had really shifted, as he has been patiently weathering my reactions when I have been triggered by anything that may look to me to be past behaviour of betrayal, and he is communicating more…opening up more…being more vulnerable…and is becoming more reciprocating.  His narcissistic behaviours of the past are melting away, and being replaced by actions that seek to connect to others and have concern for others.  He is taking better care of himself.

This past Thursday evening, he joined my daughter and I for dinner.  He showed up with a bottle of apple cider to share with us.  He had a heart-centered conversation with my daughter while they were waiting for me to arrive with the rest of dinner. He shared videos of his parents and family and their pets during his visit.  It was really refreshing and wonderful to have him connect with us this way. The next morning my daughter shared that she had enjoyed his visit very much. Yesterday evening after work, my daughter talked to me about how she had noticed a real shift in him…a shift for the good…that made spending time with him enjoyable.  She said she could feel his shift, and the genuineness of it…and she pointed to her higher heart chakra and asked which chakra that was…in her heart.

For those of you with twin flames who are displaying narcissistic behaviours, while you are still working on your codependent behaviours and healing, please have faith that as you continue to do your healing work, it does benefit both yourself and your twin. I am starting to see that my twin flame was doing his healing work, but in a different way than I have been doing mine.  It seems he is learning through experience, and he seems to be guided more by feelings…heart…as he notices what feels good and what does not.

 

Manifesting beliefs

I haven’t written for a while.  The energies have been really intense since the new year began.  I have been quite reclusive, as I continue to do my shadow work, and continue to use The Courage To Heal as a tool to work on healing the wounds of my childhood sexual abuse. While doing a guided meditation from my The Courage To Heal audiobook, I had a body memory come up.  It was very intense. I felt a tightness and pain in my abdomen, felt nauseous, my throat was tight, and I had a pain in my head as well. Then I started to cough and choke and it wouldn’t stop, so I turned the guided meditation off, and decided to do a breathing meditation to return to a calm state. I will be going for a Quantum Touch session with a very powerful healer and friend of mine, Nancy-Jane Browman , to assist with retrieval of traumatic memories, so that I  can go deeper into my healing.

I got badly triggered by my twin flame on Valentine’s Day.  After everything had passed, I realized that I have been manifesting my beliefs, and that I had sabotaged Valentine’s Day this year by allowing those beliefs to become manifest.

I began to dread Valentine’s two weeks before it arrived.  When my twin mentioned Valentine’s Day, I told him that I was dreading Valentine’s because I hated holidays since I met him. He said we should go bowling on Valentine’s Day then.  I didn’t respond.

Narcissism and codependency are two of the templates my twin and I are here to place into healing on our journey. Taking too much and giving too much are another couple of templates we have.  Holidays bring these templates to the forefront for me.  In the past, my twin flame would visit other women on Valentine’s day and/or prioritize them, and some years I didn’t see him at all on Valentine’s Day.  He has always been cheap with me, buying me a card and gift from Dollarama, while asking for expensive gifts for himself and expecting that I should take him out and pay for dinner on Valentine’s…just a tad narcissistic and taker-like 😉  I would always end up disappointed…and angry at him and angry at myself, because I would go all out and be thoughtful and generous, and I felt unappreciated and not valued.

So, one of my “protectors”…a term coined in Internal Family Systems (IFS) came to the forefront about a week before Valentine’s Day and pushed my twin flame away, so as to protect me from getting hurt once again.  The protector started with telling me that my twin was exhibiting a pattern that resembled the past when he was having sex with other women. I started to feel angry, and so when my twin said he would see me later on that Saturday before Valentine’s, I said I was tired, and it would be better to get together the next day.  When he called to talk to me, I was distant, and then said we’d see how I felt Sunday.  I continued to be distant.  Valentine’s Day came, and I was feeling very ambivalent.  Part of me wanted to see him, and hoped he had something special planned for me, and another part believed that he would let me down like he had in the past.  My protector was telling me that my twin didn’t have anything planned, and that he was probably going to see another woman before seeing me, just like in previous years.  When I finally did talk to my twin after work on Valentine’s, he said he didn’t know if I would want to see him, and that he had a card for me…not from Dollarama he pointed out, and asked if he could come by later.  I asked him when he wanted to come by.  He started to say he didn’t know, and that he was going to some stores first.  Then I asked if he was going to eat with me.  He said he would grab a bite to eat on his own.  At that point, I was full blown triggered.  In past years, he had eaten Valentine’s dinner with another woman, and then showed up later in the evening at my place with some stuff from Dollarama as my gift, and quickly fell asleep. I told him to never mind, and that I didn’t want him to come over.  We started to argue, and he hung up.  I blasted him with numerous angry and rage-filled texts.  He stayed silent for a little bit, as I continued to blast him for being a coward and hiding behind his phone.  He broke the silence and engaged.  It was like two children slinging verbal mud at each other for a while, until something gave, and we were able to end the conversation with him asking what I wanted from him.  I told him I wanted him to introduce me to his friends as his partner.  I did not want to be excluded from other parts of his life anymore.  He agreed that he would do that.

I did finally see him the day after Valentine’s.  When I arrived at his place and saw all the snow removal work he had done, I realized that the missed phone calls and the time in between calling me back, were because of the work he was doing outside with the snowblower and clearing his roof.  There was no way he had the time to be running around to women’s places, as I thought he had.  When he let me in, I saw there was a giant card for me and a rose plant wrapped in purple and pink tissue in a big cellophane wrapping. I felt so bad for having blasted him and accused him the night before.

We had a very vulnerable talk that night about my childhood sexual abuse, and my angry part that comes out and pummels him when I get triggered.  I shared and he asked questions…and I answered, even sharing things that had held a lot of shame for me for many years.  This was the first time he didn’t try to dismiss this topic.  In the past, he had shut me down by saying that I shouldn’t dwell on it…I should just get over it…after all, he had been abused by family friends as a child too, and he doesn’t talk about those things…that’s the past he says, not now. He even offered to do healing work on me by placing his hands on my abdomen, where I have been experiencing pain and issues. He was much more intimate than he has been, and it was nice.  Something had shifted.

I realized after having watched Twinfinity’s latest YouTube video, that my twin flame and I both have insecurity wounds to heal…and that we both have trust wounds to heal as well.

I realize that I have been manifesting my beliefs that are based in fear with my twin.  My protectors are hypersensitive at this point in time. At the first whiff of what looks like a pattern from the past, they sound the alarms, and come to the forefront.  I then begin to act as though I am being betrayed, and push my twin away or attack him with wounding words.  Once I am triggered, I am cruel and relentless with my texts.

I am continuing to do my shadow work and my healing work of my childhood sexual abuse. I realize this twin flame journey is not for the faint of heart.  It is intense and relentless.  It makes me want to scream and run away often, and then I realize how far I have come in my healing…and although, when I am triggered, I tell my twin I wish I could erase the last 6 six years, along with any memory of him…yes, as I previously stated, I am cruel when I am triggered…and then I recant to myself, because all of the healing I have done on myself in the last 6 years, is worth the pain.  I am on a journey back to self, and it is an interesting and painful journey indeed!

Delving deeper into my shadow

My promise to myself for 2019 is to place my healing from childhood sexual abuse and my shadow work as my top priority. I have been doing exercises in my The Courage To Heal Workbook, and I have been doing guided meditations and exercises from the course (on CDs) Knowing Your Shadow by Robert Augustus Masters, PhD and from the book Dreaming Through Darkness by Charlie Morley.

I have had a few epiphanies this week whilst doing my inner work.

The first epiphany is that I was still functioning from the little girl part of me where my twin flame and his repeated betrayal with other women was concerned. There is a fragment of myself who is the little girl who wants to rectify the past by winning the love of her man.  She couldn’t get the love she needed from her parents when she was a child.  She desperately wants that love from a man (her twin flame) now. She figured if she was a  good girl..if she put up with and persevered…finally, she would get that love and all would be healed.  I cried, and I embraced that part of me…the little girl who was so desperate for love that she would allow herself to be disrespected and devalued. I welcomed her home. This is giving me strength in my decision to not have sex with anyone or take on the role of a partner outside of an exclusive committed relationship.  This is what I desire, and I am worth it.

The second epiphany is that I had exiled the part of me who had experienced pleasure…who had experienced orgasm during the abuse. I hated this part of me.  My body had betrayed me, and I felt I was bad.  The 3 and 4 year old me did not have the knowledge to understand that this was a normal response for the body, even if she did not want the abuse. I had exiled this part of myself…my 3 and 4 year old self…to the shadow way back when.  I didn’t realize that my shadow was what made me vulnerable to my twin flame’s touch when he would want to seduce me into coming back to him.  I once again would feel betrayed by my body, because although I did not want to have sex with him, my body would betray me by responding to his kisses and his touch…I would become aroused.  I couldn’t say no.  I would become speechless, and my body would betray me…just like way back when I was being sexually abused as a child.  I would lose my voice, and my body would betray me…and that 3 and 4 year old inside me who so desperately wanted love would once again be seduced into an abusive situation.

The third epiphany I had was that I hated the part of me that didn’t know what to do when I was being abused…the part that didn’t know how to stop it and how to get away.  I realized that the people who irritate me the most, are the ones I project this part of my shadow onto.  These are the people who I find to be incompetent…who don’t know what they are doing.  Since my discovery of this part of my shadow this week, I find that I am not getting triggered by this trait in others.  I am starting to develop compassion for others as I am embracing this part of my shadow and having compassion for my 3 and 4 year old self who couldn’t possibly have known how to stop the abuse by this adult.

I am forgiving myself.  I am getting to know the lost parts of myself. I am allowing the feelings of anger to surface to be released.  I have a punching bag and gloves.  I will use them to safely release some of those repressed emotions.  I am also integrating parts of my shadow by sharing with my best friend and sharing with you through this post.  I hope this helps some of you out there who are struggling with similar issues.