I have undergone a massive shift within the last couple of weeks. It’s as though a light bulb has gone on in regards to finally understanding what connection to self truly means. Don’t get me wrong…I have made a lot of progress over the years on my healing journey…it’s just that there has been a lot of uncertainty for me surrounding the meaning of inner connection, and what to do in practical terms to be a healthy parent to my inner child.
I prayed to God…the universe…source…to help me approximately 6 weeks ago. I surrendered. I asked for help, stating I just didn’t know what to do anymore. The universe answered only a few hours later through someone who had come across my blog. This angel…this messenger sent me some resources that helped me become more clear. In the following weeks, I rediscovered more resources I had at hand, as well as intuitions…senses of knowing…that shifted me from a place of confusion to a place of peace and knowing.
I am finally understanding that if I would not subject a child in my care to a situation…an experience…an abusive person…then I need to take the appropriate actions for myself in those situations as though I was taking care of and protecting that child. I am also starting to develop more compassion for myself by accepting and embracing the parts of myself that are angry…that hate…thank you to Nicole of Twin Flame Revolution for an excellent video on loving yourself as you process and purge the anger and the hate in yourself. I tried what Nicole shared in her video, and lo and behold, the next morning my inner child came out and asked to play. She asked me to take her to play pinball and video games. I promised I would. I cleaned and decluttered a little, and did a couple of errands with my daughter. My daughter and I then went and played pinball and video games for a couple of hours. I had so much fun!
I had realized earlier that day, and expressed it to my daughter, that I needed to play more…I needed to make more time for my inner child to play…that I often would end up doing errands and that responsibilities would dominate my time, at the exclusion of play.
Reconnecting with my inner child by loving her through her anger and hate…allowing her to have a voice…allowing her to express her feelings without shaming her…had given her the safety to come out and play. It made me feel lighter. I understood that I had ignored and tried to squash her voice…my intuition…when she had what I deemed were negative feelings…feelings I was taught by my parents, and then by society were not acceptable for little girls and women to have and express…anger and hate. And why shouldn’t my inner child feel angry and hateful when I was not protecting myself from abuse. I stuffed it down, and silenced her. Anger is an indication that something is wrong, and that I need to take action to remove myself from harm. When I avoid doing anything and stuff my emotions down, they turn into hate of others for what they did to me, and more importantly, hatred of myself for not listening to my inner child…my intuition…and allowing myself to be abused…to give my power away to others…to choose to act out of fear and abandon myself, instead of embracing my inner child, and acting from love to protect the precious human being that I am…to honour the gift I have been given by God/the universe/source/higher power/or whatever you believe in.
I also realized that I had always doubted my intuition…squashed the voice of my inner child…because of my parents’ doubting my truth when they discovered I was sexually abused by a friend of theirs…my 4 year old self, who was raped and had blood in her underwear. I reflected on that. How crazy is it that my parents were yelling at me, and shaking me, and telling me I better not be lying? Why would a 4 year old even make that shit up? Why would I trust myself, if my parents…my Gods…didn’t believe me? It finally made sense to me why I didn’t listen to my inner child…my intuition. My dysfunctional inner adult had been silencing my inner child just like my parents had when I was a child. How freeing it feels to finally find the root of why I didn’t trust myself and gave my power away to others…placed their needs before my own, making others more important than myself, and then hating them and myself when they betrayed me. Now that I have gained that awareness, I have started to put more healthy boundaries in place, and I am removing myself from abusive situations and relationships. I am taking my power back, and my inner child is starting to share some of her magic with me ❤