Living a lie is what happens when you settle for less than what is in alignment with who you truly are. It is accepting not being chosen. It is accepting lies. It is tolerating narcissistic behaviour from your twin flame. It is tolerating anything less than respect. It is allowing oneself to be an option. It is tolerating the emotional devastation that one incurs when their twin cheats with another, whether it be sexually or emotionally. It essentially asks that you dim your vibration…that you not shine your brightest. You cannot stand in your truth and live a lie at the same time.
I see and feel more intensely that I am living a lie during the holidays when my twin flame ups the amount of time he spends with his “friends”. He contacts me more during those days, trying to compensate for the impending betrayal…hoping to avoid fallout with me. It just doesn’t work. I know his patterns all too well, and although I have been through it before, the realization that I am living a lie hurts just the same, if not more. I can’t run from myself, my intuition, or the triggers that ensue. I got triggered really deep this time, and I see how my twin mirrors my childhood wounding with my narcissistic mother. My twin disappears to these women friends’ homes…says good night to me early in the evening because he knows he won’t be able to do so later…sees me less…sends more “Love you” texts. And then I ask him where he was…and then he lies to me…denies everything…just like my mom used to do. Just like my parents told me…my 4 year old self…that I had better not be lying about being raped by my dad’s best friend. As if bloody underwear and a bloody vagina were not enough proof for them, after me having spent time alone with him. How could a 4 year old even make that shit up? And then, as I am triggered and angry and accusing my twin, he goes silent and ignores me to punish me…to avoid accepting responsibility for betraying me again. Just like my mom, who would lie and deny and punish me for reacting to the abuse I endured…who punished me for peeing the bed…one of the childhood sexual abuse symptoms I had from the age of 4 until I was 10. She accused me of being bad, of being crazy because I tried to speak up against her abuse…tried to protect myself, even if I was only a child. Of course, she had done nothing…even if she had failed to protect me. Like my twin who expects me to settle….to betray myself by tolerating his narcissistic behaviour…by asking me to suffer what is intolerable for me.
I have withdrawn physically from my twin. I do not want to see him as long as he has these other women…his narcissistic feeds…in his life. I don’t know if I will need to stop communicating with him. I just know I need to stand in my truth. If he wants to be with me, he needs to stand in his truth too. No more games…no more self betrayal…no more cheating myself and each other…no more living a lie! I am starting 2019, standing in my truth, even if it means I am alone and not in relationship with my twin flame. I am ready to go big on self love! No more crumbs for me!
Merry Christmas ❤
A Twin Flame Self Love Journey 