These past few weeks of reflection I have done surrounding boundaries and my 6 year physical…or as some would say “3D”…relationship with my twin flame, has illuminated the many ways I wasn’t loving myself, the many ways I was abandoning myself through my codependent behaviours of transgressing my existing boundaries…although when I reflect, I see they were very weak at best…and giving in to doing things and putting up with things that I really didn’t want to do or settle for. My emotions have been swinging back and forth between being angry with my twin flame for professing to love me and at the same time manipulating me to get what he wanted, and then sad that I had abandoned myself in so many ways to appease him and try to win his love and approval, hoping he would choose me in the end…because we are twin flames after all, and I am supposed to love him unconditionally.
Problem was that I didn’t have a clue how to love myself unconditionally. I didn’t have healthy boundaries, because I hadn’t developed healthy boundaries in childhood. I had been sexually abused, physically abused, emotionally and verbally abused, and I had been placed in the role of parenting my parent and my siblings. Being sexually abused by a family friend starting at the age of 3 was enough to cause me to have no boundaries. The physical, verbal, and emotional abuse that dominated my childhood, served to develop and entrench my codependent behaviours I had developed to survive. My normal had become anticipating and meeting the needs of others before myself. I emerged into the world on my own at the age of 17, ripe to attract narcissistic individuals, whom I would allow to use and abuse me, as I played out this dysfunctional dance in adulthood, recreating the circumstances in which this time, I would get my needs met that I hadn’t had met in childhood, through people with similar traits to my parents…desperately hoping that this time it would be different…this time they would see how worthy I was and they would love me.
I had abandoned myself in so many ways with my twin flame, in an attempt to win at this impossible dysfunctional codependent-narcissistic dance. I had transgressed my sexual, physical, financial, and emotional boundaries so many times. I had felt my intuition, heard my inner voice, and then succumbed to guilt and fear. I rejected and abandoned myself repeatedly.
Gradually, I began to develop healthy boundaries in all of these areas. Every time I introduced a new boundary, my twin flame would rail against it. He would intimidate, pressure, use guilt, and lie to get me to back down and abandon myself in favour of his wants. I became successful with time with some boundaries.
A few weeks ago on my birthday, I went inside and decided to really love myself, to finally really protect my inner child, to stop abandoning myself by setting healthy physical and emotional boundaries. I decided that I would not be in a physical or romantic relationship…or have physical contact with my twin flame…as long as he remains in relationship with multiple women. I stated my boundaries to him. I told him that I want to be in a healthy, monogamous and exclusive, awakened, conscious relationship where we can both grow spiritually. He has been railing against these physical and emotional boundaries I have set for myself…in self love…regarding romantic relationship.
I am not feeling the angst I used to, or the self doubt, when I would set a boundary for myself with my twin flame. I am feeling a sense of inner peace. It feels good not to abandon myself…not to put his needs and wants above my own…not to settle for crumbs…not to subject myself to abusive behaviour and abusive situations. I am finally truly experiencing what it feels like to love myself and to stand in my truth…to seek validation from within, rather than from without.
I have stated my truth to my twin flame through setting healthy boundaries and communicating my needs and wants in relationship. I have left the invitation open for him to join me in my truth should he wish to. In self love, I am continuing on my healing journey with a newfound sense of inner connection and inner peace ❤
A Twin Flame Self Love Journey 