Mirroring the childhood wound of emotional unavailability

I see my mother’s behaviours of emotional unavailability mirrored by my twin. Her incessant talking about herself and endless detail. I was forced to sit and listen and validate, not exchange or create an emotional bond. My twin does this as well. He talks on and on about himself, his work, his interests…and if I try to relate or engage, he cuts the conversation short or redirects it to himself. We often talk and I ask how he is, but he rarely reciprocates and asks me how I am. Like her, he often ignores my attempts to talk about things that are important and emotional in nature. They both stay away from the deeper, more important topics.

I have always had an uneasy feeling when communicating with them. It feels empty, alienating. It feels like disconnect…no depth…no mutual understanding or rapport. It’s like they talk at you for validation. And I was taught to tolerate this, be polite. As a child, this was my normal.

Another way my mother did this was by always being busy…cleaning, cooking, and her perfectionism. My twin mirrors this in his workaholism, his perfectionism, and his involvement with other women. It always feels like there’s not enough quality time. It feels lonely being in relationship with them.

I have been attracted to many emotionally unavailable partners, most often they had addictions. I am healing more and more everyday. I am uncovering my childhood wounds and placing them into healing. I am choosing me…keeping my promise to my inner child to love and protect her…to keep her safe and loved ❤️

Here are two excellent videos by Alan Robarge about emotional unavailability:

The mirror of what I judge in the moment

I got triggered yesterday by my twin flame. He had broken his promise to a attend a celebration of life that my daughter was hosting. He had asked if he could attend to support me, and then he just never showed up, and instead called late in the evening, asked me to look at a video he had sent and to call him right back, and then did not respond when I called 2 minutes later. He had disappeared the next day as well with other women, and when I returned the early morning call he had made to me, he didn’t return my call until 13 hours and 32 minutes later. I was disappointed and angry. These events that transpired over the weekend triggered my repressed anger about his lying and cheating for the first two years that we dated. I went into a  tirade of texts between him and I. The more he discounted my truth, the more I shoved his transgressions in his face. I told him to leave me alone and that I didn’t want to have anything to do with him. I felt such rage inside. I wasn’t feeling love for him in that moment. I was feeling resentment and something very close to hate.

I was listening to Gregg Braden’s Seven Essene Mirrors this morning when I realized that my twin’s behaviours that had triggered me were the things I judged in that moment…what Braden called the second Essene mirror. I judged his cheating, his dishonesty, his lack of integrity, and his exploitation of women. I believe the rage I felt was because I had ignored my intuition about him in the beginning…the feeling that told me something wasn’t right…that he wasn’t telling me the truth…that he was hiding something. He had even made a comment to me once early on when we were dating that he was a liar. I had dismissed his comment as him joking with me. He had actually validated my intuition, and I had ignored it. I know the rage I am feeling is rage at myself for not trusting myself everytime my intuition told me he was lying to me.

Today, I am sitting with my feelings and loving myself as I allow myself to feel them and let them go.

What if your twin flame does not want to heal?

My twin flame has often told me that he does not want to heal.  I understand that this statement is rooted in fear; however, it causes all kinds of questions to arise for me.

How can this be when I have been doing the work? My twin is supposed to be my mirror.  Why doesn’t his progress mirror mine? Am I missing something?  I have seen much healing in my relationships overall…with family and friends. It just doesn’t make sense. Are you experiencing this too?

It makes me wonder if he’s not my twin flame after all? And if he truly is my twin flame, can he choose to not awaken? Can he choose to continue reenacting the reality he has always known? And if so, does that mean that I am not meant to come into reunion with him? Does “free will” trump this connection? Is this me being triggered to transmute ancestral templates and templates for the collective? Is it triggering more wounds within me to place into healing? Is there a lapse between our spiritual growth and our current reality?

Do you find yourself wondering these things too?

Pain is a gift

Valentine’s Day was disappointing and illuminating.  Twin made plans to have dinner with me and then showed up late because he was with another woman.  I felt hurt.  I shared that I felt hurt and sad, and he ignored me.  I didn’t run from the pain.  I didn’t hide in my mind or eat Ben and Jerry’s.  I talked to my best friend about the same trigger surfacing again.  She suggested that I needed to connect to my knower, my feelings, and work my way back in time to retrieve the memories and the years I had repressed. I asked her how to do that.  She said I needed to get quiet for a least an hour before I tried to go into my feelings and retrieve memories…no electronics she said. Just let my thoughts come and observe them as the ego would fight to keep me from going into the pain.  Then thank my ego, and let it help me find those memories in my soul. And so, that is what I did.

As soon as I got home from work, I let my daughter know that I was turning my phone off, so that I could do this memory retrieval. I ran a bath, and stayed in the bath for an hour and a half, while my ego tried to point the finger at twin and blame him for everything…anything my ego could think of to dissuade me from attempting to uncover my repressed memories and feelings that were attached to them. My ego repeatedly tried to convince me that this method would not work. Well, lo and behold, my bestie was right…it did work.  First, I went back through 2017, memories of events I had forgotten came up…some positive and some negative. Then I scrolled back through the years, as she had suggested. I really struggled with 2015 and 2016 as I had experienced much suffering and confusion on my twin flame journey until I did Root Camp with Lee and Sherry in 2016. I asked my soul to guide me back to the memories that had resulted in the story I had told myself that twin kept mirroring back to me. At first, I felt nauseous. The intensity increased, and I thought I was literally going to vomit, and then there was an image that appeared of one of my father’s friends was sexually abusing my sister and I. I started to cry and cry, and I was so distraught because I couldn’t protect myself or my sister. I sat and cried for a while.  I didn’t make the connection right away.  The next day, as I was sharing my retrieved memory, I had an aha moment, as Oprah would say 🙂 That friend of my father’s disappeared from our lives. I figure that my father probably knew, and even if he did not, he failed to protect me. And then there was another one of his friends who had sexually abused me when I was the age of 3 to 4, until my parents found out.  He committed suicide shortly after that. The story I told myself from these incidents was that my father didn’t choose me and he didn’t protect me…he chose his friends.  This is the story I told myself about the masculine that kept getting mirrored back to me in my romantic relationships and by my twin flame:  Men don’t choose me.  They choose their friends, or their addictions…(my father is a workaholic) because I am not worth it, and I am not important.

Thank you Alicia Alderson at Living Colour Tattoo for the beautiful tattoo pictured below that you designed and did for me last September that symbolizes the transformation I have undergone on my blue ray twin flame journey.